I lay in my husband’s arms, a small spoon nestled within his big. His arm is draped around me and his large palm rests over my heart. I sigh with contentment. The worries of the day seep into my pillow and tight muscles soften as my heartbeat slows down.
This is the enticing, restorative influence of touch.
So let me ask you – have you snuggled your sweetheart today?
As you will see in this video, intimate non sexual touch is a beautiful nonverbal way to develop connection, calm, and a sense of psychological safety. Plus, it feels really great.
The Power of Nonverbal Communication
Now let me share something that may seem – well – a bit radical. We talk too much!
So much of our relationship connection is based on words. Now of course we need to discuss all the realities of life, of running our household, getting the kids to their hockey practice, whether to refinance the mortgage this year – all the business of what I call “Marriage Inc” or “Relationship Inc”.
We also use words to improve Fondness and Admiration – from sharing an appreciation to responding to our partner’s bids for connection. And yet too many couples do not cultivate their touch practices.
Well, I’m here to change that. Why? Because touching strengthens your relationship – and it is relatively easy to do.
In my online Become Passion couples program I teach Touch More Touch Often. This is one small lesson in a comprehensive program that covers what I call the Three Keys to Passion. We do extensive work on communication, conflict resolution, recreating romance, betrayal recovery, sexual desire issues and much more.
Yet when I ask couples for feedback about this extensive program one of the top three responses is “the importance of touch and the Three Breath Hug” – even though this is one of the most simple things I teach.
So let me ask you again – did you snuggle your sweetheart today?
If not – or even if you consider yourself a champion snuggler – here are a few touch practices you can add to your relationship repertoire.
The Three Breath Hug
Face your partner. Then embrace. My man is 8 inches taller than I so my face rests on his chest. Wrap your arms around each other deeply and hold fairly tightly. Place your palms flat on your partner’s back. Then inhale together, pause, and exhale together. Then repeat twice more.
Naked Bedtime Snuggles
I know, you like to wear your banana printed flannel PJs or the faded Rolling Stones tee shirt and boxers to bed. You get cold, you aren’t a fan of sleeping naked and hey, what if the fire alarm sounds and you have to run outside? Look, I get it. But…the positive physiological and emotional impact of skin on skin makes nude snuggling more soothing and effective. That’s why I challenge the couples I work with to make a naked snuggle part of their bedtime routine. Don’t overthink it – simply slip off those pjs and nestle in together for a few minutes. Then if you really need those knee socks over your icebox toes, slip them back on before you drift off to sleep.
Hold Hands Everywhere
Lucky for me, my husband and I both love physical touch. We hold hands while we walk the dog on the beach. If he’s driving, my hand is on his knee or caressing the back of his neck. We’ve arranged our sectional couch so the length of our bodies press together while we watch a movie – and yes, our fingers or feet are entangled. In other words, we make touch intentional. So I challenge you to buy new cuddle-worthy furniture, schedule a timer to beep to remind you to hug or kiss your sweetheart, and in many different ways make touch intentional, too.
So why does touch feel so nice? Imagine a brand new baby. Twenty years ago, I had the privilege to witness the natural birth of my best friend’s daughter. When sweet Nora was born, her father immediately took off his shirt and held her against his bare chest. This was pure instinct – skin to skin, hearts beating together – and she felt secure, connected, and welcomed to the outside world.
What Touch Signifies
We are naturally inclined to touch and be touched. As adults, if we feel uncomfortable with touch, it is something we learned. Maybe we grew up in a family where loving hugs and goodnight kisses were completely absent – a behavior passed down through generations. Perhaps seeking healthy affection was met with shame. We may have been affected by abusive touch. The wonderful thing is, we can rediscover the natural pleasure of healthy human touch.
Human touch activates our parasympathetic nervous system – this is the system that helps us relax, slowing the heart rate, reducing blood pressure, easing anxiety and stress, and signaling to the mind "you are safe, there is no danger, relax and let go now". Recent studies suggest that when we stimulate the vagus nerve – which connects the head and the heart – it also induces calm and safety. And guess what seems to stimulate the vagus nerve? Activities like touch, synchronized breathing, and placing your hand over your partner’s heart.
So if, like too many couples, you only tend to touch during sex – it’s time to redefine the role touch plays in your relationship. One Three Breath Hug at a time.
If you enjoyed this video, check out Dr. Cheryl’s live free couples workshop on the Three Keys to Passion.
