If you want a great love relationship – even after being together for a long time,
you need to learn how to go on dates with your partner again.
Oxford dictionary defines a date as a social or romantic meeting or arrangement. And
when you first dated your partner, you did a great job. Remember? You used to plan
ahead, come up with appealing settings and enjoyable events, set the scene and make sure the person
you love felt very, very special.
But how are you doing at making your partner feel loved these days?
I’ve worked with many couples as a psychologist and sex therapist, and thousands
more through my online couples program Become Passion and the biggest complaint long-
term couples have is a lack of fun, romance, and a distinct absence of those juicy falling-in-
love feelings. I call this stage of relationship Marriage Inc. You know how it goes – the two of
you are busy with kids, careers, refinancing the mortgage and dropping the dog off at the
groomers. You like each other well enough but you are running your relationship like a
business. And in the midst of it all, you’ve lost each other. You are parents, not lovers, and
joint CEO’s of a thriving family but a dying love affair.
Go on dates with your partner!
So what can you do to bring back some of the joy and passion you felt when you were falling
in love? Well, it may surprise you to learn that one of the most powerful ways to revive your
relationship is indeed, a date night.
One of the things I teach the couples in my program is to bring more mindfulness and
creativity to their date planning – whether it’s your first date or the 51st. A mindful date
should give you insight into your sweetheart’s personality & character. A creative date can
teach you about yourself and where your relationship is currently strong and where it needs
some work. A sexy or adventurous date can actually increase your attraction to your
partner. And oh yes, dates should be fun. Lots of fun.
Top 8 great date ideas
1. The Wake Up Together Date
Go for breakfast or brunch. Why? Breakfast dates are great because you get to start the day together in a novel way – and novelty is a key ingredient for happy long term love. When we fall into those day-to-day, Marriage Inc.routines I grab toast while you load the kids in the car – we forget to look at our sweetheart with new eyes. So once a month, eat out, savor something delicious, and talk about your hopes and dreams. Full disclosure? I might be biased toward the epic breakfast date. I am writing this on the 9th anniversary of my first date with my now hubby. I was ambivalent about the blind date, so I kinda tested him by offering my only free time slot. He stepped up, chose the cafe, and our pre-sunrise breakfast date lasted for four hours.
2. The Adventure Date
Do something that is new, interesting, or gets your adrenaline pumping. Tackle a high ropes course, go on a food tour, or hit the go-cart track. Why? Research shows that we find others more attractive (and vice versa) when we are stimulated by new or exciting experiences. One study showed that (heterosexual) men who walked over a scary suspension bridge were far more likely to ask an attractive woman for her number than those who were still in the parking lot. So not only will you have fun, you can see your beloved in a new light. A very flattering light at that.
3. The Date Where You Walk Side by Side
This one is good if you have important things to talk about but struggle to talk face-to-face with your partner. Instead of sitting across from each other at a table, go for a walk or hike in a beautiful place. It's easier to talk side by side, especially when there's a changing landscape to talk about. You might find that you open up more in this supportive setting. Bringing a dog can help break the ice and make everyone more at ease.
4. The Date Where You Test Cooperation
Ride a tandem bike or paddle a two-person kayak. This is fun and tests how well you can work together. You have to listen and be willing to let go of being right if you want to get anywhere. Laughter is also important. Many long-married couples argue quietly in a kayak, but clear communication and humor are important for reaching your destination – much like in a marriage.
5. The Date Where You Ask Interesting Questions
Choose an interesting setting, such as a classy cocktail bar or the beach, and then ask each other questions. These questions can be about happy couples you know, advice you would give your younger self, or your first kiss. Be open and if you're in a dark place, they can't see you blush.
- If you won a prize that gave us two weeks at a luxury vacation spot anywhere in the world, what would you choose?
- What is one sexy thing you’d like us to try?
- Be open, you’ve got nothing to lose. And if you are in a dark place, they can’t even see you blush.
- 6. The Date Where You Compete in a Friendly Way
- This is a good one for seeing how you both handle competition. Whether you choose something intense like ax-throwing or more laid-back like bowling, you'll find out if your tendencies to be a poor loser, a gracious winner, a fiercely competitive adversary, or a klutz who can laugh at themselves have changed over the years.
- 7. The Date Where You Let Go
I love a date that encourages you to let go, whether that means moving your body, yelling, or laughing a lot. Go to a live music show, a salsa club, a sports event, or a comedy club. Dressing a bit wild can earn you bonus points.
team jerseys and face paint) or attractive (rock and roll chic anyone?)when was the last time the two of you relaxed a little?
8. The “Sexy Truth or Dare” Date
This one is not for the faint of heart. If you want to get a little frisky you can play a game of attractive truth or dare. For example – Truth – “What is the most public place you’ve ever made love?” Dare – “I challenge you to touch my arm with as much sensual passion as you can”. You can pick up a commercial card deck or game that will provide the truths and dares if you don’t feel very creative. And you might want to arrange this
date in the bedroom.
As I often tell couples, great relationships are not an accident. Like anything else, it takes love and effort to keep your love, interest, and passion alive. Date night refreshes long term relationships. So this week, treat your partner like the interesting, attractive, wonderful person they are. How would you date them if you were trying to win their heart? I challenge you to win their heart all over again, one date at a time.
Why date night refreshes long term relationships – if you
do it right.
date in the bedroom.
As I often tell couples, great relationships are not an accident. Like anything else, it takes love and effort to keep your love, interest, and passion alive. Date night rejuvenates long term relationships. So this week, treat your partner like the interesting, attractive, wonderful person they are. How would you date them if you were trying to win their heart? I challenge you to win their heart all over again, one date at a time.
