When I meet a new couple, I always ask: How do you regulate your emotions during and outside of disagreements? self-soothe conflict? While some report having strategies for self calming, many do not, and very few of my
couples report using any strategies during conflict conversations. When emotion regulation skills aren’t used during conflict, many couples feel disorganized. When we are disorganized our emotional intensity has increased, and we are having difficulty bringing emotions back down to a moderate level.
When this happens we generally cannot effectively hear our partner, misinterpretations rise, and our ability to communicate effectively goes out the window!
How arguments can go without emotion regulation:
: I felt really hurt yesterday when you didn’t return my phone call.
I already told you that I forgot because work was so overwhelming that day.
: I know, but I was still left waiting to hear from you, feeling like you didn’t care!
: Seriously, you’re going to accuse me of not caring?
Partner 1: Well it feels that way when you can’t even remember me enough to return my call!
Partner 2: And on it would go, escalating further and further! Most of us have had a fight very similar to this
P1one. One or both partners may have begun the conversation feeling disorganized or became disorganized quickly after it began. Without emotion regulation neither partner can hear the
P2four horsemen increase, and the fight becomes less effective leading to more hurt in the relationship.
P1Now imagine that within this short back and forth, one or both partners recognized they were feeling disorganized.
How can we identify when we are disorganized?
One tool we use in Gottman Method Couples Therapy is to wear heart rate monitors during sessions. This allows us and our clients to know when their heart rate is indicating disorganization. For most people a heart rate of 100 or above signals disorganization. If you are very athletic or have a low resting heart rate it’s possible that you may be disorganized at a lower heart rate.
I highly recommend couples use heart rate monitors when they have conflict discussions at home as well, particularly if high conflict or disorganization is a part of their conflict pattern. If the conflict discussion isn’t planned, pause and grab the monitors as soon as the conflict starts. Even that short break may help decrease elevated heart rates. Once you’ve been using the heart rate monitors for a while you’ll be more familiar with how your body feels when disorganized even without the monitors.
other. The You and your partner can also create a habit of pausing and doing a body scan at the beginning of and during conflict discussions. During a body scan you’ll scan from your head to your toes to
notice how your body feels. Signals like a fast heart beat, muscle tension, clenched jaw, etc. are common when disorganized. I would also recommend doing body scans when feeling relaxed to see the difference.
How can I get back on track?
Once you notice disorganization there are several techniques you can use to
Physiological self soothing using all five of your senses: Sight (soothing to look at such as pictures of loved ones,
pets, scenery, amusing or adorable videos), Noises (songs, bells, natural sounds), Scent
(essential oils, fragrance, scents associated with calming memories), Flavor (your preferred food,
chewing gum, cocoa, a breath mint), Contact (a stress ball, silly puddy, a rock, kinetic sand,
a comforting object)
(discomfort tolerance tool):
1)Temperature: Utilize ice or ice cold water beneath your eyes, on your face or head, or
try taking a cold shower. This initiates the “dive reflex” which aids us to reset
by lowering heart rate. Icy hot or peppermint essential oil on the skin can also
be effective. You can also use intense flavor (try mint or cinnamon, edible
peppermint essential oil, suck on a lemon, eat something spicy, etc.).
2) Intense Exercise: maintain a position for 60 seconds or until you feel a muscle group
- burning, for example wall sit, plank, etc.
3) Paced Breathing: Take slow deep breaths, concentrate on your breath coming in and
4) Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tighten one muscle group at a time, starting with
your forehead and going all the way down to your toes.
Take a break of at least 20 minutes: According to Dr. Gottman, “the major sympathetic neurotransmitter norepinephrine doesn’t have an enzyme to degrade it so it has to be diffused through blood… this takes twenty minutes or more in the cardiovascular system.” - The TIPP Skill Creating new habits is challenging! If dysregulation or high conflict is arising in your relationship, a
Gottman Couples Therapist can help you to learn tools and establish the habits to have more
effective conflict conversations. Emotional regulation has the ability to change your conflict cycle!
When I meet with a new couple, I always ask: How do you self-soothe during and outside ofconflict? While some …
be effective. You can also use intense taste (try mint or cinnamon, edible
peppermint essential oil, suck on a lemon, eat something spicy, etc.).
2) Intense Exercise: hold a pose for 60 seconds or until you feel a muscle group
burning, ex. wall sit, plank, etc.
3) Paced Breathing: Take slow deep breaths, focus on your breath coming in and
out.
4) Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tighten one muscle group at a time, starting with
your forehead and going all the way down to your toes. - Take a break of at least 20 minutes: According to Dr. Gottman, “the major sympathetic neurotransmitter norepinephrine doesn’t have an enzyme to degrade it so it has to be diffused through blood… this takes twenty minutes or more in the cardiovascular system.”
Creating new habits is hard! If dysregulation or high conflict is coming up in your relationship, a
Gottman Couples Therapist can help you to learn tools and create the habits to have more
successful conflict discussions. Emotional regulation has the power to transform your conflict cycle!
