Does your attempt to help your partner lead to arguments?
Maybe you can understand Elena and Tom's situation.
Elena(Sighs) Today was… overwhelming. It felt like everything that could go wrong,
did.
Tom: At least it’s over now, right? I’m sure it’ll be better tomorrow.
Elena: (Feeling misunderstood). It’s not just about having a bad day. Today made me question if I’m even good at what I do.
question if I’m even skilled at what I do.
Tom: You’re overthinking it. You’re great at your job! Why don’t you just relax?
Elena: (Feeling dismissed) I’m trying to express how I feel, and you’re dismissing it as if it’s nothing!
it’s nothing!
Tom: (Defensive) I’m not dismissing it, I’m trying to help you move past it.
The conversation intensifies, highlighting a fundamental marital problem: their meta-emotion mismatch. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman found that ‘the [meta-emotional] mismatch alone predicted divorce or stability in the next four years with 80% accuracy.’ Tom and Elena are experiencing a clash between an emotion-attuning style (Elena) and an emotion dismissing style (Tom).
In many heterosexual relationships, according to Dr. Gottman’s research, a prevalent source of conflict is the emotional dismissiveness of husbands towards their wives’ negative emotions, leading to feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect. This pattern is a major contributor to unresolved emotional injuries, which, if not addressed, can weaken the relationship. But what exactly is meta-emotion?
Dr. John Gottman, describes it as how we feel about feelings. It encompasses our emotional reactions to our own emotions and those of others, including whether we accept or dismiss them, how we interpret them, and how we respond to them.
The Two Meta-Emotion Styles
Dan Yoshimoto, a former student of Dr. John Gottman, investigated meta-emotion patterns and identified two distinct approaches:
- The attuned pattern, which emphasizes empathy and understanding
- The dismissing pattern, which focuses on logic and action over emotional engagement
These patterns often stem from our upbringing and the emotional culture of our families, shaping how we deal with emotions as adults. An emotion-coaching environment teaches us to value and understand our emotions, whereas a dismissive environment leaves us to focus on logic and actions one can take rather than understand emotions. As seen with Tom and Elena, this mismatch can lead to unhealthy conflict.
Gottman research showed that in close relationships the major incompatibility in marriage is a mismatch in how people view the negative emotions. In my work with marriages, I call this pattern the head vs. heart problem. One partner is trying to connect with their heart by expressing emotions and in reaction, the other partner is trying to solve the problem with their head by using logic or actions.
As a result, this situation leads to both partners feeling misunderstood, escalating conflict. The partner seeking emotional attunement feels emotionally dismissed, whereas the partner favoring a more logical approach feels their intentions are misconstrued.
When Tom perceives Elena’s accusation of dismissal—a tactic he employs in his attempt to provide support—he instinctively defends his actions. This defense only intensifies Elena’s feelings of isolation and neglect. Without effective communication and resolution, the relationship faces significant challenges.
Fixing clashes between emotions and how they're handled
Dealing with a clash between emotions and their management can be done using the structured approach developed by the
Gottmans.
Step 1: Understanding must always come before action
The first step involves recognizing that both understanding and action
regarding emotions are valid, but their effectiveness depends on proper timing.
Tuning in to each other's emotional states provides partners with the necessary basis to
then take mutual beneficial actions for the relationship.
The best structured approach to achieve this is by using the State of the Union Meeting:
Through the State of the Union, even the most action-oriented partner can learn the value of
understanding before offering advice, and partners who feel understood can take actions. This
can turn conflict into a calm and connecting experience for both partners.
Step 2: Establishing a Shared Emotion Culture In Your Relationship
This step becomes particularly important in families, where the emotional dynamics between
parents and children impact the overall family harmony. The Gottman’s recommend learning
emotion coaching.
For the partner who dismisses emotions, learning and practicing emotion coaching not only
builds trust with their children, but also strengthens the bond with their partner, fostering
deeper emotional closeness.
For the partner who tunes into emotions, view your partner’s action-oriented efforts as a
strategy to improve things. This validation, combined with the partner engaging in emotion
coaching, can help them become more comfortable with emotions that have been overwhelming in the past.
Step 3: Explore Emotional Upbringing
Dealing with clashes between emotions and how they're managed can also be achieved by discussing
each partner’s emotional experiences in childhood, including how they were comforted, and
their parents’ responses to their emotions such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, love.
Understanding each other’s emotional upbringing creates empathy and comprehension to
make changes for your marriage.
Step 4: Practice Emotional Tuning and Actions
Practice emotional connection skills such as sharing emotions and listening via structured
emotional check-ins like the Stress-Reducing Conversation and State of the Union to
maintain and strengthen emotional connection.
The result
After following these steps, Tom and Elena’s interactions changed:
Elena: Today was overwhelming. Everything seemed to go wrong.
Tom: That sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it?
Elena: Yes, that would be so helpful..
This shift from conflict to connection demonstrates the power of understanding and
dealing with clashes between emotions and their management. By promoting an environment of emotional
tuning and then action, couples can handle challenges more effectively, laying a
foundation for a resilient, connected, and respectful partnership.
