Beginning sex therapy is a step toward improving one of the most personal and fulfilling (yet often confusing and challenging!) aspects of human experience. As a therapist specializing in relationships and sex, I’ve had the honor of guiding many individuals, couples, and polycules through this transformative process. Here are some insights that you might want to know before getting into therapy with a sex/intimacy counselor.
Recognizing the Need
Understanding that you may require help from a trained sex therapist is significant and deserves serious recognition. It takes courage to admit that there are aspects of your sexual life that you are unable to resolve alone, or even with a loving and cooperative partner. Many of us initially turn to books, podcasts, or close friends to try to fix what we may consider as broken within our intimate lives. While there are valuable resources available, having a skilled provider who can customize their treatment to your specific needs is sometimes necessary.
Sex Therapy Is About More Than Just Sex
Although the main focus of “sex therapy” is on sexual issues, treatment often covers much more than solely focusing on what happens in the bedroom. It is not uncommon for sex therapy sessions to explore broader relationship dynamics, communication patterns, self-perception challenges, family background, and the various psychological factors influencing your sexual well-being. Sexuality is connected to many aspects of our existence, as well as multiple elements within our relationship(s) that we may not have realized were related to the sexual difficulties that brought us into treatment.
I was reminded of this recently in a meeting with a physical therapist for leg pain. While I was ready to jump into discussion of that area of my body, she instead began by saying something like, “Your leg hurts? Great, so let’s have you take off your shoes, stand on the floor over here, and do some movements. You know, it may not actually be your leg…it may be your hip, or your neck, or how you carry your posture. Can I see how you sit when you’re in a chair all day?”
When you look at the whole person and the entire relationship, you see what else is going on that needs to be addressed. So as therapists, especially those trained in sex/intimacy, we don’t just focus on the presenting problem. Instead we back way out and explore how the whole system may be contributing to the sexual concern.
Willingness, Truthfulness, and Openness Required
Most of us know that for therapy to be effective, openness and honesty on the part of the client are crucial, though this can be a particularly significant request when the focus of treatment is sex. While your provider will do everything within their training to put you at ease, the process will still require you to share personal details about your sexual experiences, feelings, and concerns. When I first start working with someone and ask in our intake session how they’re feeling about starting this process with me, the word I hear most often is “terrified”! And it's easy to understand this experience. But while opening up to a stranger about this part of one’s life can initially feel daunting, a skilled therapist knows how to create a space that is soon recognized as safe.
Time to make a change
It’s important to set realistic expectations about how long therapy will take, especially when dealing with personal issues. Change, especially involving deep-seated problems or patterns, will require patience and persistence. Progress in sex therapy usually happens slowly, so it's important to have patience and keep going. A good therapist will help you celebrate your successes along the way. I like to start sessions by asking my clients, “Before we talk about what was challenging since I last saw you, what can you be proud of? What have you achieved as a couple recently? Where have you seen progress, even if it's small?” This helps us recognize and trust that the process is working. Being patient with change also gives us grace when setbacks happen during therapy.
Personal effort within working together
Studies indicate that the client's efforts are the most important factor in the success of psychotherapy, more so than the therapist’s qualifications, methods, or experience. This means being proactive in sessions, completing any assigned tasks, and openly discussing what is or isn’t helping you. Therefore, when considering sex therapy, it's important to ask yourself, “Am I truly ready to engage in this process? If not, what do I need to change within myself to be ready?” Hopefully this post can help you prepare for that readiness.
