Starting sex therapy is a way to improve an important and fulfilling (but sometimes confusing and challenging!) part of being human. As a therapist who focuses on relationships and sex, I have had the honor of helping many individuals, couples, and polycules through this process of change. Here are some insights that you might find helpful before starting therapy with a sex/intimacy counselor.
Recognizing the Need
Realizing that you might need assistance from a trained sex therapist is significant and should be appreciated. It takes courage to admit that there are aspects of your sex life that you can't handle on your own, or even with a loving and supportive partner. Many of us first turn to books, podcasts, or trusted friends to try to fix what we see as being wrong in our intimate lives. Although there are great resources out there, having a skilled professional who can customize their treatment to meet your specific needs is sometimes necessary.
Sex Therapy Is About More Than Just Sex
While the main focus of “sex therapy” is sexual issues, the treatment often covers much more than just what happens in the bedroom. It's common for sex therapy sessions to explore broader relationship dynamics, communication patterns, self-perception challenges, family background, and the various psychological factors affecting your sexual well-being. Sexuality is connected to many aspects of who we are, as well as various elements within our relationship(s) that we may not have realized were linked to the sexual difficulties that led us to seek help.
I was recently reminded of this when I met with a physical therapist for leg pain. While I was ready to talk about that part of my body, she instead began by saying something like, “Your leg hurts? Okay, so let's have you take off your shoes, stand on the floor over here, and do some movements. You know, it might not actually be your leg…it might be your hip, or your neck, or how you hold your posture. Can I see how you sit when you’re in a chair all day?”
By considering the whole person and the entire relationship, you can see what else is happening that needs to be dealt with. So as therapists, especially those trained in sex/intimacy, we don't just focus on the immediate issue. Instead, we take a step back and explore how the entire system may be contributing to the sexual concern.
Being Open, Honest, and Vulnerable is Necessary
Most of us understand that for therapy to work, being open and honest as a client is crucial, although it can be especially daunting when the focus is on sex. While your therapist will do everything they can to help you feel comfortable, the process will still require you to share personal details about your sexual experiences, feelings, and worries. When I first start working with someone and ask how they feel about starting this process with me during our initial session, the word I hear most often is “terrified”! It's easy to understand this feeling. But even though opening up to a stranger about this part of your life at the beginning may feel overwhelming, a skilled therapist knows how to create a space that will soon feel safe.
Time for Change
It is important to manage your expectations about how long therapy will take, especially when dealing with personal relationships. Making changes, particularly when dealing with deep-seated issues or patterns, will require a considerable amount of time. Progress in sex therapy usually happens slowly, so it's important to have patience and keep working hard. A good therapist will help you celebrate your accomplishments along the way. I like to start sessions by asking my clients, “Before we discuss what has been difficult since our last meeting, what are you proud of? What progress have you and your partner made lately, even if it's just a little bit?” This helps us acknowledge and believe that the therapy is making a difference. Recognizing that change takes time also allows us to be kind to ourselves when setbacks occur during the therapy process.
Individual Effort Within Collaboration
Studies indicate that the most significant factor in a client's success in therapy is not the therapist's qualifications, theoretical approach, or level of experience. Instead, the client's own efforts have the greatest impact on the amount of change they experience during treatment. This means being active in sessions, completing any assigned homework, and being open about what is or isn't working for you. Therefore, when considering entering sex therapy, it's important to ask yourself, “How prepared am I to fully participate in this process? If I'm not quite ready, what changes do I need to make within myself to become ready to take this step?” Hopefully, this post can help you reach that level of readiness.
