They were well matched in many ways. She was a young lawyer specializing in land use law and he specialized in media rights. Both were from the Midwest and had moved to Seattle. They were busy and ambitious, and enjoyed filling their free time with new experiences. Initially, they went to a new place every weekend, such as Vancouver for the open-air market, a late-night sushi meal, overnight camping trips in the mountains, and last-minute tickets to a play. Despite working long hours, they enjoyed being spontaneous in their free time.
But there was one small issue. She wanted a puppy, but he did not.
A year later, there was a puppy, which had grown into a big, happy, playful dog, but the marriage was ending. They signed divorce papers and moved out of the house they had bought together before marriage. They divided their belongings, and she took the dog.
How did a puppy break up this marriage?
The conflict began with a simple difference of opinion. He believed dogs were too much responsibility, work, and commitment, and that they would restrict their freedom and be costly. However, his job involved frequent business trips, leaving her alone in the house where she worked long hours and felt lonely. She envisioned the dog as a companion and imagined it joining them on hikes and car rides. She thought a dog would help her feel less lonely.
They couldn't reach a resolution. He felt her concerns about time, money, and commitment were exaggerated. She decided to get a puppy as a gift, believing he would come around once he had a real, adorable puppy in his lap.
He didn't come around.
The conflict escalated. He was upset that she had ignored him and done what she wanted. She was upset that he continued to resist, seeing it as a rejection of her and her needs. The presence of the dog in the house reminded him of her disregard for his feelings, and this sparked fights about various things, leading to more arguments than before.
She began to realize how little he contributed to household chores. She was willing to take care of the dog, but he seemed to leave all the other household tasks to her. She wondered if this behavior would continue if they had a baby. When she brought up her frustrations, he felt irritated. Instead of asking for help directly, she'd hint at her responsibilities, which would provoke a defensive response from him. He tried to do more later, but she didn't acknowledge his efforts.
They were spending less time together. When he mentioned his weekend camping trip with a friend, she felt overwhelmed by anger and sadness.
Upset and on the verge of tears, she expressed her feelings about him leaving for the camping trip and leaving her with the dog he never wanted.
Caught off guard, he exploded, questioning her sudden outburst and emphasizing that his trip had been planned for months and was unrelated to the dog.
There was underlying tension in their argument, fueled by hidden agendas each of them had.
His secret motive was to seek freedom and adventure.
Her hidden agenda was to start a family.
They barely recognized these deeper desires within themselves, let alone discussed them with each other.
They distanced themselves from each other, becoming entrenched in their own viewpoints, from which they hurled accusations and criticisms. When she fell ill and couldn't take the dog out, he begrudgingly took on the task, feeling resentful each time. On another occasion, the puppy made a protest by leaving a mess under the husband's desk.
He refused to clean it up.
She refused to clean it up.
This small incident marked the unspoken boundary—neither would yield, seeing it as a defeat for the other side.
When they sold the house during the divorce, a cleaning service was brought in to erase any trace of their life together—until they reached the desk.
Do you know what happens when you leave dog poop for a long time?
It hardens into a white lump.
In the end, the punchline of this story is… mummified dog poop. We share this universal story to illustrate how a seemingly small disagreement can escalate and become a profound obstacle. It's easy to dismiss this as a trivial reason for a marriage to end—over a puppy, right?
However, the real conflict wasn't about the puppy or the poop. The puppy symbolized fundamental life philosophies for each person. When they argued about caretaking responsibilities, vet expenses, or buying dog food, it wasn't just about those tasks. They were actually clashing over their values, dreams, and their vision for marriage and life. They never delved into these deep-rooted issues, which could have potentially saved their marriage. Instead, their fights became destructive, leading to the fracture of their once-strong relationship.
This happened a long time ago, before John began studying couples. He didn’t fully realize the depth of their conflict until later, when his research taught him more about the science of relationships. In the end, he couldn’t help them, and unfortunately, they split up. But since then, we've helped thousands of other couples who were just as stuck and out of sync.
While writing this book, we thought a lot about that couple from long ago. We wish we could have known then what we know now, with fifty years of research. If we could travel back in time, this is the book we would write for them.
Taken from FIGHT RIGHT copyright © 2024 by Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD and John Gottman, PhD. Used with permission from Harmony Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be copied or reprinted without written permission from the publisher.
